a way to express

it’s been awhile

I hate Thanksgiving.  It’s the worst holiday in my opinion.  I didn’t hate it as a kid, but I honestly don’t remember much about Thanksgivings.  When I was in college I worked at a sandwich shop.  We got robbed at gun point the night before Thanksgiving, and so I attribute my memory of that year’s holiday with ptsd of having a gun pointed at my forehead.  Then a few years later I was so excited to spend the holiday with family but I was so sick I had to sleep in my aunt’s guest bedroom throughout the festivities.  But to top that all off, I think this might have been my mom’s favorite holiday.  She enjoyed cooking new things and having the entire day to make gourmet items versus our normal daily meals.  The first Thanksgiving after she was killed was also the first Thanksgiving my husband and I were married.  We decided to go out of town for the holiday and not really celebrate it.  But I was sick the entire time.  I think it was really just depression showing itself physically, but still it made the trip harder to deal with that was the original plan! Then there was last Thanksgiving where a family relationship was destroyed single handedly by my sister in law.  This year we spent T-day with our neighbors.  Granted, we enjoy our neighbors and the food was delicious but I am still so incredibly sad that it has now been a year of my SIL not allowing us back in her home.  Why you ask? Because of a misunderstanding on facebook.  One that she jumped to a conclusion about and then flew off the handle without asking for clarification.  And so, although we had a nice evening of dinner, I can’t help but have hurt feelings for no family invitation.  My husband said “did you expect one?” and to that I had to answer “I know I SHOULDN’T expect one, but I did”.  *SIGH*

some people

just make it so obvious that they don’t like you.  man, my posts are depressing today.  how is that a family member can ignore another family member so hardcore and for so long.  i just don’t get it.  i think it is a horrible way to run a family.  i think it’s an even worse way to model family relationships to your children.  and i think that you need therapy.

lost

I’m not sure where I went wrong growing up, not finding a solid true best friend.  I have always been the one to be “leaned on” rather than having one person (or even a few) to lean on myself.  Really what I’m looking for is someone who says “hmm, i haven’t heard from her today, I wonder if she’s okay.  i’ll call her”.  Who are these people that have “best friends” who know each other in and out?  Do they really exist?  Or does everyone feel lost even with close friends?  It used to be fine until I moved to the boonies and have no regular contact with the “outside world”.  I rely on the phone and internet to maintain relationships…sad huh?  But eventhough I feel like I try to reach out, no one calls me to check in on me.  Or they bail on our plans.  Or they make plans with other people and exclude me.  No one thinks “hey, I should see how she’s doing today”.  No one sends me an email asking how this week has gone.  Or I hear this one a lot “I’ve been meaning to call you…” Great, thanks for telling me that everything else in your life (your cup of coffee, your 20 minute drive to the store, your hair appt) is a higher priority than me.  

Up until this past year, I didn’t think I needed anyone to lean on.  Maybe that’s where I went wrong.  I haven’t ever needed someone to be there for me.  I’ve always been the strong one.  But last year was the hardest year of my life.  Sure, a few people checked in a few times in the beginning, and maybe I came off as “fine”.  Or maybe I’m just not understanding that when they ask “how are you” that they really do want to know.  I’d say 95% of the time I assume that the person asking doesn’t want to really hear how I am.  I do have a couple of friends/family that call often enough but they all have super busy lives.  No one has time for me to just break down and cry for an hour, and even if they did I want to catch up on all the stuff going on in their lives.  It doesn’t occur to me until after the phone call that I should have just broke down.  Instead I sit, venting inside my head, to myself.  

I have a wonderful husband who would be saddened to know that I hold this all in too.  I’m the strong girl he fell in love with.  The drama-free girl.  The one who doesn’t cry.  I don’t want to be the wife who has mental issues that he feels the need to vent to his friends about.  Plus he is soooo busy with work and dealing with all the drama of his employees.  So when he gets home, I want to create an ideal environment where he can be stress free.

I have spent my entire life reaching out to everyone else.  Feeling bad for everyone else’s problems.  Putting my life on hold for everyone else’s issues.  In high school I was late for a dance because my friend was “suicidal” because no one asked her to the dance.  I spent hours on the phone with her and in reality it was just her way to get me to stay home and not go to the dance.  In high school and college I was known as the Hallmark Queen because I sent cards for every possible occasion and even for no reason at all.  If a friend had a bad day, there was a note/card from me in her locker that afternoon.  What? I have a big date tonight but your boyfriend just broke your heart? Okay, I’ll come to your house instead.    I was being a good friend right?  I suppose so.  But where are the good friends for me?   I have stopped sending cards.  If you put effort into me, I’ll put effort into you.  But at this point I am so done putting in effort with people who don’t want it.  I am no longer a bank that gives withdrawals, purely deposits at this point.  

I know life is busy.  And I realize that my stay at home life is quite boring.  Yesterday I invited myself to a friend’s house.  I still feel slimy and unwanted eventhough she told me how much fun she had and was glad I had called her.  

So then I think, “if only I lived around more people”.  But what will that really do?  I’ll just meet more people to feel bad for, and more people to have ignore my problems.  What I need is my mom.  The crap I have had to deal with this year may have been more bearable if I had my mom to lean on and vent to.  She always told me I needed to have friends my own age and not rely on her (eventhough I think she fully enjoyed our adult friendship).  And sure enough, she died and now I’m lost without her motherly guidance and friendship.  A couple people have attempted to step in and fill her shoes at different times, which I completely appreciate.  But they have their own families.  They can’t dedicate an hour to listen to me cry.  They won’t get on a plane and fly across country just to hug me.  I hate movies like “Click”…they just point out how completely unfair life is and how it is 100% impossible to go back in time to fix things.  No second chances.

Now, I know that this sounds like I’m some loser with no friends.  Which isn’t true at all.  If my friends read this they would be devastated to know that I am holding this all in.  I have never shown emotion well.  My sister lived in NY when 9/11 happened.  My co-workers were freaking out and I remained calm the entire time.  That doesn’t mean I wasn’t freaking out inside, but I’m more practical.  Why freak out…there is nothing I could do about it at the time.  Everyone says I’m the person they’d want in the exit row of an airplane.  awesome.

So what have I learned by writing all this?  Nothing I don’t already know.  I need to speak up and tell people when I’m sad.  Maybe I’ll do that today.

Get this!

so our crazy neighbors have an even crazier step-son.  he’s in his 20’s and on every possible narcotic, has no teeth, and seems to always be on the run from the law.  so he steals our neighbor’s car and drives it to another state with fake license plates.  he left all his stuff in storage, so our neighbors went to the storage place and talked their way into the unit.  they took most of his stuff home with them in “exchange” for the car!!  in this “grab and go” they confiscated the step-son’s father’s ashes.  awesome.  now we (as good neighbors) have to be on the look out for this kid to show up trying to get his stuff back.  we’re suppose to call the cops if we see him.  but if he sees me first, i’m jsut going to wave and act like I know nothing.  I don’t need a pill-popping, crackhead, meth addict coming for my stuff too!  get me out of here!

next house

Things I want at my next house (besides the obvious of family, friends, and good neighbors):

bedrooms close together

a lawn that kids can play on

sidewalk or driveway for summer chalk fun, riding bikes, etc.

a normal bathtub

what’s in a name

Do you ever hear a kid’s name and wonder what the parents were thinking?  Or you know that the mom picked it and dad had no chance at changing her mind?  Or do you ever wonder if the parents were only thinking of themselves and how cute it would be to have a kid named _______, but not thinking about the child and how often they’ll get made fun of?  There is a difference between Gwenyth Paltrow naming her kid Apple…I mean, who is going to make fun of a kid when your mom is a major movie star?!  But just us average joes…pick a name that will help your kids make it through middle school…it’s already tough enough!

getting the heck outta dodge

We met with a realtor the other day to get the ball rolling on selling our house.  It was oddly bittersweet.  I want to move back home, I want to get out of the country and be around people, and I complain about our house layout constantly.  Yet, on the flip side I love our home.  We made a home here, started a family, and thought we’d be here for a long time…retire here.  If the people out here weren’t so dumb (see earlier post!) and if our “family” out here understood what it means to be FAMILY then maybe we’d want to stay.  But I am ready to head back to my friends and family who loves us and want to be with us.  I miss them so.

too many?

Do you know anyone who has too many kids?  And the reason you say they have too many kids is because they can’t keep track of the ones they have?  And then you hear a story about how the toddler falls in a pool because nobody is watching.  And you just want to scream at them “WHY AREN’T YOU WATCHING YOUR TODDLER AT THE POOL?”  And then answer your own question with “oh that’s right, because you have TOO MANY KIDS!!!”  ugh. (toddler was fine)

conflicted

So let’s say that the leader of a group doesn’t invite you to where that group will be.  But then later someone else in the group asks why you didn’t come.  Do you say “I wasn’t invited.” ??